Difficult Family Members in Relationship
Ringgit wrote :
Doctor Love,
If love is between two people, does the family (brothers, sisters, father and mother) comes into play? It probably does not matter in a Caucasian couple because, let's face it, the westerners does not emphasize much on family values. It matters between an Asian couples.
How would you advice lovers who may have difficult family members (of their significant others) to deal with?
Dr. Love replied :
Dear ringgit, first of all, I would like to make a comment on your view on the Westerner family. I had came across a Caucasian friend who actually went and obtain the BLESSINGS from the girl's parents before proposing to her. Yes, they still do ;-)
In this day and age, we always heard couple said love and marriage is between the 2 of them. The other people's view are not important. Well, first of all we need to know how's your partner's Upbringing or Family Values? If your partner Respects their parents and families a lot (I hope you all out there .. still DO!), then of course you should do the same.
However, you may also faced with some obstacles where the families may disliked you. Well think about it, it's like inviting a stranger into your House! So what will you do? Dr Love would think you really need to gain their family TRUST and RESPECT along the courting period. If the family member still dislikes you, then probably you should evaluate where is your weakness. Share this with your partner, if he or she could accept your weakness, recognised it and probably, IF Possible, put a plan to overcome it. Hopefully the family will eventually learn to accept you one day. I am not suggesting you to go for a Plastic Surgery if you are ugly. We should only evaluate our inner self ya!
Of course, we want everyone in our family to give their blessings. We all know we can't please everyone though, but at least you ATTEMPT, as they will eventually become part of your family member too :)
posted by Kiasu-Ching @ 1:04 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
Sometimes, one would think that one's quest is over after meeting the right person. It is not true. That is just the beginning of a LONGER journey... and this journey is full of issues and problems that need to be overcome. TOUGH! TOUGH! TOUGH!
Ringgit,
Mind sharing the actual problem/scenario?
I think its important to get the approval of family members. Coz in the end, you don't live alone in this planet. When times do get tough.. who do u go for help? Family rite? Unless your true friends can really be there to count on.
Western world speaks of one that is filled with individualism. Their goal in life is not the same. Their definition of love is different too. Sometimes when you think about it.. to them.. love can change overnite, today i love you, tomorrow i do not. family aint' important coz they are expected to not rely on their family once they turn 18. totally different type of upbringing. Thats my two cents anyways.
Not saying I have any problems currently with any of the family members. It's just that I am asking to prepare myself for potentials problems. After all, I believe every family has it's quirks and differences. Each family has some sort of issues or baggages. So I am wondering how do people perceive it and of course, getting Doktor Cinta's opinion on this.
Love is between 2 people but marriage is not. Marriage is starting a famiy and family consists of parent, siblings, children etc. If you are going for marriage, prepare to face the goods and bad things coming along. Yes, it is not always bad, there are many people who have loved their in law more than their own parents because they found comfort and love in them.
i see it as action of understanding rather than approving. Eg. Why must parents approve/disapprove their grown up child's relationship? I believe there must be understanding because with proper understanding of the child's interests, there will not be any need for approval/disapproval. Therefore, I still believe that approval is not important but UNDERSTANDING is. Understanding the situation will help, simply approving/disapproving won't do any good at all.
I like what rotitelur said: love is between 2 people while marriage is more than 2 people as it involves the families.
Have any of you came across such a comment "i will be surprised if you can love my daughter till you go to your grave!". Yes, her tone was with an EXCLAMATION Mark tone. this was said to my friend, who married her daughter.
Another one, said this to my fren "you're so fat!!". In actual fact, my fren wasn't fat at all, just slight tummy and she said he is SO FAT!! BTW, he's almost 6ft tall with slight tummy, but of course, these 2 cases, these 2 scenarios, came from uneducated parents. I will think that, having some form of education and good positive background makes life easier. One more similarity of these 2 parent, both are very narrow minded. So, in my summary, easy lovable inlaws are those that are educated, understanding, broadminded, accepting ppl as they are and in general, not demanding. Tough inlaws are those that are the opposite. However, after all these, they are still inlaws.
What if one day, a short/small sized guy came after your own daughter or your own sister? Will you reject that guy just because of his size and assume he is sick? What if you yourself is facing this situation, do you think it's right to judge ppl like that?
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